What I’m looking for

When I posed these questions to myself the other day, they seemed pretty straightforward.

  • What do I want to do?
  • Who do I want to be?
  • What am I looking for?

Once I started thinking about how I might answer them, it was harder than I thought. Not for the reason you’d think either. I know the answer to these questions. But the answer just isn’t all that interesting or thought-provoking. I know who I am, what I want to do and what I’m looking for.

The past couple of years have been a huge period of change for me. Before now, the questions would have been really difficult to answer, and might have sent me into an emotional spin. Let me tell you what I mean.

When my son turned 18 (in November 2006), I was going through something of a life crisis. I was in a job I wanted to quit, an unhappy relationship and my children were growing up. These things defined me, and they were changing. I spent the next couple of years struggling with this, becoming more and more unhappy until eventually, in 2008, I had enough. I quit my job, left my relationship, kissed my children goodbye, and wandered off to find myself. And I did find myself, somewhere out there in the wind and rain and sunshine.

So these are easy enough questions to answer, but hard to make thoughtful and interesting. I’ll have a go.

1. What do I want to do?

This is the easiest question to answer. I want to keep doing what I’m doing now, but even better, and moreso.

I had such an amazing time last year, I’m not sure how to top it. I got engaged, became a grandmother for the second time, watched my children grow up a little more (21, 18 and 10, significant years). I had a very successful year at work, I made some amazing new friends, I tried new things (hockey, roller blading, tennis, futsal) and loved them. So these things, I want to keep doing.

There were also some challenges. I’ve had a difficult few months health-wise. I’ve struggled with migraines and back and hip pain. The hip pain made me hang up my running shoes for the latter part of 2010 and that’s been really hard. Running keeps me sane, it sets me to rights. I’ve not found anything I like as much. So this, I’d like to change. And I feel like I’m heading in the right direction with that.

  • I want to (and will) get married this year.
  • I want to watch my family grow up some more, and be there when they need me.
  • I want to continue to improve my skating – stopping, pivots, speed, crossovers.
  • I want to be active. I want to run, walk, dance, skate, blade, play tennis.
  • I want to be social. I’ve met some cool new people this year and I’m looking forward to hanging out with them.
  • I want to slow down a bit. Well, I’ll do my best!

2. Who do I want to be?

I’m pretty happy with who I am right now. So in 2011, I just want to be me some more. Mother, wife, nana, friend, worker. I want to be happy, and healthy, and present, and alive.

The biggest change for me is the ‘wife’ bit. I’m looking forward to being Stephen’s wife, more than I can express here. It means a lot to us both to be making this commitment to each other. It’s not something I thought I’d be doing again, but it just feels right.

3. What am I looking for?

This is a harder one to answer. I don’t know. I have found what I’m looking for. It sounds like a cliche, but I was so lost and now I’m not. When my son turned 18, I had lost my purpose. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be. It took time, but I figured it out. For now anyway.

So 2011 will be a year of consolidation for me. In the last couple of years I’ve taken actions and made choices that have set me on a path. I did the hard yards and now I have a clear trajectory to follow. I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride.

I’m looking for a smooth ride.

7 thoughts on “What I’m looking for

  1. Wendy Davie January 12, 2011 / 10:06 PM

    Great post, really touching. I think I am too scared to ask myself those 3 questions. But hey maybe I should dust off the rollarblades and hot the road with you,.

  2. Bebe January 12, 2011 / 10:18 PM

    Oooh you blade? I’m just new, but hoping to get some practice this summer. We need a roller-tweetup 🙂

  3. Mama Bear January 12, 2011 / 10:39 PM

    You always touch me when you write on your life as you have come thru so much but am so glad you have come to a happy safe place. You are now surrounded by love.

  4. Pip January 13, 2011 / 3:10 PM

    I’d be up for a Roller blading tweet-up!

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