Life, death and other things

It’s September 11 in New Zealand today. It’s been 10 years since the World Trade Centre towers came down. It’s a big anniversary for Americans, and I’m sure for many others. Kia kaha.

But for me now September 11 will just be the day after Simon died. Two years on, I have mixed emotions. Last year it just hurt. This year I feel a little differently. I have a sense of relief on his behalf. He was in so much pain, so sick. And he struggled against death. It was hard to see that. So now I feel like I can celebrate his life. I can remember what a great guy he was – so clever, funny, kind – without the pain of missing him (so much). I guess I’ve moved on from that immediate grief.

I have this other feeling that’s hard to pin down. It’s something like a sense of discomfort around expressing my feelings of grief and loss for Simon, who was my best friend for 10 years, now that I’m married to my new best friend. I can’t put my finger on exactly what about all this makes me uncomfortable, but it does (just a little). It certainly has nothing to do with Stephen or Simon, they met a few times and liked each other well enough. Simon was glad that I’d found someone to be happy with. Maybe this is how widows feel when they get remarried.

2 thoughts on “Life, death and other things

  1. Aunty September 11, 2011 / 2:36 PM

    I believe as women we feel more deeply and forever. Enjoy your posts.

  2. Mama Bear September 11, 2011 / 3:06 PM

    Maybe it is your last little wall to cope with, Maybe you feel you shouldn’t express these feelings when you have moved on but he was an important part of your life for a long time so go with the flow and you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable by it You are surrounded by people who love you. xxx

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